Dragon Age: Inquisition, I'll die of old age before I actually finish it

Might as well be called Dragon AGES, am i right? because of how long it is, you see. all over the world, players are finally emerging dazed and blinking into the sunlight, faces pale and beards like gorse bushes after hundreds of hours held captive by bioware’s towering rPg masterwork. but i’m special. i’m making Inquisition last even longer than normal. by refusing to play it properly.

Basically, I like mucking about with fade rifts the crackling green portals dotted around thedas’ landscape that vomit up a crowd of demons. it’s obvious that you’re meant to roll up your sleeves, charge right on in and ignite a close-range riot of swords and spells. but i prefer to take on the rifts from a distance.

Bioware, it’s clear, was really not expecting me to take this approach. hang back, and the rift’s assorted hellbeasts… do absolutely nothing. there’s something sweetly  incongruous about watching from afar as they calmly patrol back and forth, hunched over like they’re searching for a dropped contact lens.

Come on over
Target a long-distance shot at a single demon, and it’ll come trotting slowly over to investigate like a curious pig at a petting zoo, unfazed by the arrows my rogue is repeatedly thumping into its forehead. by the time it reaches my party who i've ordered to loiter with me at the edge it’s half-dead, far from home, alone, and suddenly wishing it had chosen an easier life as a milkman or something.

Target an arrow at a demon, and it’ll trot slowly over to investigate like a curious pig at a petting zoo

My mage doesn't like all this one bit, by the way. she's like a rabid magic dog on a lead, madly exploding spells at her feet in buggy indignation at not being able to rush into the middle of everything and get herself killed in seven seconds like usual. she hates me. but take note: it doesn't stop her having sexy times with me later, no sir.

The one-enemy-at-a-time approach is super-effective when it comes to conserving health, but has its drawbacks (beyond being very silly and painfully slow and utterly disrespectful of bioware’s carefully balanced combat). the worst is that if i accidentally step out of the rift’s activation radius, it promptly snaps shut and the enemies reset. start again; add more Inquisition hours to the tally.

So I’ll be finally done with Dragon Age around the same time as the sun explodes and swallows our planet. but as i'm engulfed by unimaginable fire, i’ll know that i spent my time on earth using the absolute bare minimum of health potions in fade rift battles. i will have no regrets.